If I’m the one who ended things then why do I feel so miserable? I was the one who called it off and how come he moved on first? I know he had to move on at some point. But so soon? Where was the grieving period? I deserve some amount of mourning. I just know I do.
I know I deserved to be treated right in the end. This only goes to show that you’re damned if you call the shots and if someone else calls the shots. Love hurts either way. This ‘hopeless romantic’ tag is out the window.
Is it because I’m just too nice to hurt someone else’s feelings? Is that why I always walk away empty handed? No one can answer that but me. I can’t feel bad about the things that are beyond my control. But at the same time, I really wish things were different. I want to get over this very miserable phase in my life and move on. I WANT TO MOVE ON. No matter how much I want things to be otherwise, realistically the only option I can choose is to move on; even if I have control over the universe, I’d still choose to move to the next phase. Its true when they say that you’ll only meet someone new when you’re heart is a vacuum. Then only can you make place for them to fit in.
What bothers me though is that it has been one disaster after another. I used to be optimistic about one person for everyone. Now, well, not so much. He wants to be friends and tell me things like he still cares about me and such. It just makes it harder. I did move on. He tried convincing me otherwise. Until one day I reciprocated and that crashed and burned just a tad. It is impossible to be friends with somebody who does not know how to be a friend. Perhaps I could slip in a line or two about my own conquests. But I know how demeaning that is. Even thought I want to hurt him back, it is just not in my nature to actually hurt him intentionally. I broke it off because I needed my time to figure out myself. To rediscover me. Not because I found someone else.
All this ranting is making me a bit nostalgic. That’s the other thing about life. Love fades. But the good times are burned into our memory forever. However, for now, I want to forget.
