If I’m the one who ended things then why do I feel so miserable? I was the one who called it off and how come he moved on first? I know he had to move on at some point. But so soon? Where was the grieving period? I deserve some amount of mourning. I just know I do.
I know I deserved to be treated right in the end. This only goes to show that you’re damned if you call the shots and if someone else calls the shots. Love hurts either way. This ‘hopeless romantic’ tag is out the window.
Is it because I’m just too nice to hurt someone else’s feelings? Is that why I always walk away empty handed? No one can answer that but me. I can’t feel bad about the things that are beyond my control. But at the same time, I really wish things were different. I want to get over this very miserable phase in my life and move on. I WANT TO MOVE ON. No matter how much I want things to be otherwise, realistically the only option I can choose is to move on; even if I have control over the universe, I’d still choose to move to the next phase. Its true when they say that you’ll only meet someone new when you’re heart is a vacuum. Then only can you make place for them to fit in.
What bothers me though is that it has been one disaster after another. I used to be optimistic about one person for everyone. Now, well, not so much. He wants to be friends and tell me things like he still cares about me and such. It just makes it harder. I did move on. He tried convincing me otherwise. Until one day I reciprocated and that crashed and burned just a tad. It is impossible to be friends with somebody who does not know how to be a friend. Perhaps I could slip in a line or two about my own conquests. But I know how demeaning that is. Even thought I want to hurt him back, it is just not in my nature to actually hurt him intentionally. I broke it off because I needed my time to figure out myself. To rediscover me. Not because I found someone else.
All this ranting is making me a bit nostalgic. That’s the other thing about life. Love fades. But the good times are burned into our memory forever. However, for now, I want to forget.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Thursday, May 07, 2009
The Plan
When I was thirteen, we had a group of missionaries come to school for two days of recreational learning and fun and games. Of course fun and games here means singing songs about God. Every activity that took place during those two days, remains a blur except for one - The one where they had asked us to write out a ten year life plan.
Okay I’m exaggerating. (can you expect thirteen year olds to write out a long-term plan?)
They has asked us where we see oursleves in ten years.
That was the first time I had heard about a plan like that. I can’t recall what I had written though. One line I somehow remember writing was that I see myself as a ‘successful business woman’. That was quite strange actually considering three years before that, I had wanted to be a doctor since I was five. It was all I ever knew then. I still remember playing with my doctor’s kit. So after the whole wanting to be a doctor phase, I wanted to be a make-up artist. That was for a year or so and then after that I toyed with the idea of a career in architecture. Funny how neither of the career options I mentioned were never taken into consideriation after I finished school. School in this case is the tenth grade.
So yes back to the idea of being a successful business woman. I reckon I wrote that down only because it was the easiest option. No explanation required. To be successful in business you have to know some form of math. Or do you?
Accounting of any sort was something I had to learn as basics. However, I didn’t want to. I had a theory - When I do get my business up and running, I shall hire an accountant to do it all for me. Thus, to pass and get to the next level, all I had to do was to get a mark that would help me get by. They’re numbers afterall and I had and still don’t have the urge to strive for perfection in that area. I actually know someone who has a degree in engineering (although it took him a very long time to complete his course) and now runs a marketing company. The trick? Big bucks! And of course start off with a partner who has expertise in the field. In this case expertise refers to a very small amount of knowledge in the field. And also Big Bucks. The result – Big Bucks times two and international holidays. Sweet.
I guess the saying holds true; we must be willing to let go of the life we planned for ourselves, only to live the life we have waiting for us. So how does it work? Is it true that life happens while we’re making other plans? Let me retrospect. Most of the plans have worked out. And life was always about the plan. This would be educationwise. Opportunities sprung up. I took a few of them also adding some risk for spice. Met some great people along the way and not so nice ones as well. Maybe the encounters are the unplanned aspect. Thus meeting people you’d like to take with you on the journey and those you’d like to leave behind. Perhaps joining them on their journey and of course getting bumped off after a while because the carriage was full. I’m referring to using a carriage here because I don’t have a job yet thus I don’t have money to buy a fast car. Besides when you get to the car stage, you can only take a few people with you. This means that as you grow older, you filter out your life and lose friends rather than gain them. Which makes sense because thirty something year olds don’t go out to make friends. However, they’re lucky if the few that are continuing the journey have bee there for a very long time. Think from wagon, to bicycle, to school bus – you get the drift.
So back to the plan part. Do we need to have one? What ever happened to living each day s it comes?it should probably be rephrased as living each as it comes as planned. There are those unforeseen circumstances. Financial crises, relationship dramas, deaths, illnesses and of course indecisiveness about the next step.
What do you when your parents compare you to your friends. It is bad enough that people who barely know you or who have nothing better to do, do it, can you imagine your parents doing that to you? I never seem to understand why they’d put you down rather than guide you or advise you. Some parents measure their own success by the success of their children. I’m no parent but I definitely know that is not the way to go. I never compare myself to my friends because everyone is doing very different things. Afterall how is success measured? Is it by the number of degrees you have? Or the better job? Or the marriage? Or number of children? Or by beauty? Who makes the norms? Just by comparing me to my friends (who they’ve never met and of course when they do, are extremely judgemental) goes to show the lack of success as a parent. Just as what makes a good parent? Money loving parents or family caring ones?
How does a person who has not been a part of almost all my life suddenly try to be a part of it? I don’t think it works. There is obviously a disconnect. There is no bond and no common ground. At one point you were buddies. Then it all disappeared just like that. Almost two decades later how is it going to get better? The distance will only grow longer and the awkwardness even more prominent. It’s very strange then, when the parent tries to dictate your life and only want you to do what they want you to do. After which they add – ‘I’m only trying to guide you’. But you must do it, they say indirectly. They ask you what you want to do and then when you tell them. They turn a deaf ear as though your plan has no substance. However when you tell them what they want to hear, the joy never ceases to go away. Then I think to myself, is this what I want? I’m at a stage where I want to start my new life and do somethin for myself. If I don’t do what I know is best for me how will I be happy and thus successful? It is time I think about myself and how I want to see myself in ten years. I just need that push and once I get it I know I’ll do well. How do I know that?
Because I want to.
Okay I’m exaggerating. (can you expect thirteen year olds to write out a long-term plan?)
They has asked us where we see oursleves in ten years.
That was the first time I had heard about a plan like that. I can’t recall what I had written though. One line I somehow remember writing was that I see myself as a ‘successful business woman’. That was quite strange actually considering three years before that, I had wanted to be a doctor since I was five. It was all I ever knew then. I still remember playing with my doctor’s kit. So after the whole wanting to be a doctor phase, I wanted to be a make-up artist. That was for a year or so and then after that I toyed with the idea of a career in architecture. Funny how neither of the career options I mentioned were never taken into consideriation after I finished school. School in this case is the tenth grade.
So yes back to the idea of being a successful business woman. I reckon I wrote that down only because it was the easiest option. No explanation required. To be successful in business you have to know some form of math. Or do you?
Accounting of any sort was something I had to learn as basics. However, I didn’t want to. I had a theory - When I do get my business up and running, I shall hire an accountant to do it all for me. Thus, to pass and get to the next level, all I had to do was to get a mark that would help me get by. They’re numbers afterall and I had and still don’t have the urge to strive for perfection in that area. I actually know someone who has a degree in engineering (although it took him a very long time to complete his course) and now runs a marketing company. The trick? Big bucks! And of course start off with a partner who has expertise in the field. In this case expertise refers to a very small amount of knowledge in the field. And also Big Bucks. The result – Big Bucks times two and international holidays. Sweet.
I guess the saying holds true; we must be willing to let go of the life we planned for ourselves, only to live the life we have waiting for us. So how does it work? Is it true that life happens while we’re making other plans? Let me retrospect. Most of the plans have worked out. And life was always about the plan. This would be educationwise. Opportunities sprung up. I took a few of them also adding some risk for spice. Met some great people along the way and not so nice ones as well. Maybe the encounters are the unplanned aspect. Thus meeting people you’d like to take with you on the journey and those you’d like to leave behind. Perhaps joining them on their journey and of course getting bumped off after a while because the carriage was full. I’m referring to using a carriage here because I don’t have a job yet thus I don’t have money to buy a fast car. Besides when you get to the car stage, you can only take a few people with you. This means that as you grow older, you filter out your life and lose friends rather than gain them. Which makes sense because thirty something year olds don’t go out to make friends. However, they’re lucky if the few that are continuing the journey have bee there for a very long time. Think from wagon, to bicycle, to school bus – you get the drift.
So back to the plan part. Do we need to have one? What ever happened to living each day s it comes?it should probably be rephrased as living each as it comes as planned. There are those unforeseen circumstances. Financial crises, relationship dramas, deaths, illnesses and of course indecisiveness about the next step.
What do you when your parents compare you to your friends. It is bad enough that people who barely know you or who have nothing better to do, do it, can you imagine your parents doing that to you? I never seem to understand why they’d put you down rather than guide you or advise you. Some parents measure their own success by the success of their children. I’m no parent but I definitely know that is not the way to go. I never compare myself to my friends because everyone is doing very different things. Afterall how is success measured? Is it by the number of degrees you have? Or the better job? Or the marriage? Or number of children? Or by beauty? Who makes the norms? Just by comparing me to my friends (who they’ve never met and of course when they do, are extremely judgemental) goes to show the lack of success as a parent. Just as what makes a good parent? Money loving parents or family caring ones?
How does a person who has not been a part of almost all my life suddenly try to be a part of it? I don’t think it works. There is obviously a disconnect. There is no bond and no common ground. At one point you were buddies. Then it all disappeared just like that. Almost two decades later how is it going to get better? The distance will only grow longer and the awkwardness even more prominent. It’s very strange then, when the parent tries to dictate your life and only want you to do what they want you to do. After which they add – ‘I’m only trying to guide you’. But you must do it, they say indirectly. They ask you what you want to do and then when you tell them. They turn a deaf ear as though your plan has no substance. However when you tell them what they want to hear, the joy never ceases to go away. Then I think to myself, is this what I want? I’m at a stage where I want to start my new life and do somethin for myself. If I don’t do what I know is best for me how will I be happy and thus successful? It is time I think about myself and how I want to see myself in ten years. I just need that push and once I get it I know I’ll do well. How do I know that?
Because I want to.
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